


Don't blame yourself...

by Rats_As_Models



Category: Dream SMP - Fandom, Minecraft (Video Game), Video Blogging RPF
Genre: Again, Alcohol, Angst, Bad Ending, Gen, Heavy Angst, Hurt No Comfort, Hybrid Jschlatt (Video Blogging RPF), Hybrids, I need to thank my discord again, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Multiple Pronouns for Eret (Video Blogging RPF), No Beta We Die Like Endermen, Please Be careful, Read at Your Own Risk, Resurrection, Sad Ending, Sad Wilbur Soot, Suicide, Swearing, THIS IS A LIL FUCKED UP, Tears, This is heavy, dont hurt yourself reading this, for a moment - Freeform, gone wrong, i think thats all?, just a little, mans takes the hard way out, please, rated mature because, screeching our lungs out, take care of yourselves!, thank yall, warning, you guys help so much
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-11
Updated: 2021-01-11
Packaged: 2021-03-15 02:13:55
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,414
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28680909
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Rats_As_Models/pseuds/Rats_As_Models
Summary: Wilbur gripped at his fathers shirt, tears streaming down his face as a choked sob left his throat."Kill me. Phil, kill me. Kill me, Philza. Kill- Killza! Kill me! Murder me, Phil!""I- You're my SON!"The burns stung. His body ached. He gave Phil a small smile. "please."He couldn't help the relieved laughter that left him as the sword plunged into his chest.
Relationships: Eret & Phil Watson (Video Blogging RPF), Eret & Ranboo (Video Blogging RPF), Eret & TommyInnit (Video Blogging RPF), Eret & Wilbur Soot, Jschlatt & Wilbur Soot, Niki | Nihachu & Wilbur Soot, Ranboo & Phil Watson (Video Blogging RPF), Ranboo & TommyInnit (Video Blogging RPF), TommyInnit & Phil Watson (Video Blogging RPF), Wilbur Soot & Phil Watson, Wilbur Soot & Ranboo, Wilbur Soot & TommyInnit, Wilbur Soot & TommyInnit & Phil Watson
Comments: 5
Kudos: 133
Collections: Completed stories I've read





	Don't blame yourself...

**Author's Note:**

> Title from 'Goodbye to a World' by Porter Robinson!
> 
> (DISCORD TYSM)
> 
> Warnings!  
> Panic! Alot of panicking! Crying! Self-depreciating thoughts, self-depreciation in general. 
> 
> SUICIDE! It's not explicit, but It's there, It Happens, please be careful. It's in the very last segment, so be warned! Approach with caution, please. 
> 
> Alot of depressive thoughts. Implied self-harm.
> 
> This isn't the normal stabby stabby angst i write, folks. This is... heavy. It hurts. It's sad. Please, read with caution.
> 
> Take care of yourselves, and please, please reach out to someone if you need help.

_Wilbur gripped at his fathers shirt, tears streaming down his face as a choked sob left his throat.  
"Kill me. Phil, kill me. Kill me, Philza. Kill- Killza! Kill me! Murder me, Phil!"  
"I- You're my SON!"  
  
The burns stung. His body ached. He gave Phil a small smile. "please."  
  
He couldn't help the relieved laughter that left him as the sword plunged into his chest._

* * *

Ghostbur watched Eret fiddle with the mechanism a bit more, their deft hands working quickly. Philza was talking in a hushed tone to Ranboo, who looked concerned.  
_I'll be gone,_ he thought idly, fidgeting with his semi-transparent hands. _And they'll have Wilbur back. No more Ghostbur. Nobody likes Ghostbur. They like Wilbur. They want Wilbur.  
  
_Phil looked at him, concern in his eyes. He gave the blonde man a weak smile, feeling his fingers dig into the soft blue wool in his hands. The last remaining thing he had of Friend.   
  
"Ghostbur, It's ready." Eret's calming voice sounded in his ear. He jumped slightly, turning to face her. She smiled comfortingly, gesturing to the shrine.   
"Right! Well, lets get started!" His voice cracked as he floated over to the shrine, fingers ghosting over the blocks. Blue seemed to seep from the bright blocks into his grey skin, coloring it. It seemed to calm his jittery nerves.  
  
"Scene start!" Ranboo called, shuffling to hide behind some blocks. He took a deep breath.  
  
"I don't- I don't even know if it still works. I could press it right now, and it might not even work." Ghostbur rambled, clutching at his hair. Fear swirled in his chest, threatening to close up his throat.   
  
Footsteps.  
"What are you doing." The stern voice snapped him out of his own head. He whirled around, shaking at the sight of the crater behind Phil. His vision seemed to warp, instead turning it into a closed space, the hall behind him stretching forever. He smiled crookedly, mind racing.   
_Traitor traitor traitor traitor blow it up blow it up explode explode explosions wheres my blue-  
  
_"Phil! You- You've arrived so soon!"  
"In L'manberg, huh?"  
_change the subject change the subject change it change it wheres friend wheres friend have some blue have some blue-  
  
_"Do- do you know what this button is, Phil?" He gestured to the button, hand brushing the blocks. He startled at the contact, his vision changing back to the crater of L'manberg.  
"Mmmhmm. I do."  
  
"So- so you must know-"  
Phil sighed, impatience striking his features. "Wil, you don't have to blow it all up."  
_too fast too fast too fast kill me kill me killza killza killza i dont wanna die-  
  
_His breathing shuddered, a chill running down his spine. He could practically hear the muted fireworks. "Phil- Phil, there was a traitor, once. I don't know if you've heard of him. Eret?"  
"No, I haven't."  
"Well, he had a saying, Phil."  
  
Ghostbur smiled brokenly, hand ghosting over the button.  
"It was never meant to be."  
He pressed the button, gasping. He could _feel_ the explosions, feel the burning on his back. Philza's expression morphed into one of shock. He chuckled, lurching forward to grasp onto the man.  
  
"Murder me. Phil, phil, kill me. Kill me. I don't-" He shoved backwards, slamming into the wall. He turned, like a coward, hiding his head in his hands. "Kill me, killza, hurry up, stab me, murder me, kill me kill me _I don't wanna die PHIL PLEASE JUST DO IT, JUST KILL ME-_ " Tears streamed down his face as he screamed. Terror ran through him like wildfire, burning and charring anything positive. He just wanted his blue, _just want friend, just want friend, I don't wanna die but its for the greater good, ow, why do I hurt, ow, ow ow it hurts stop it it hurts it hurts ithurtshurtshurtshurtsSTOPSTOPSTOP-  
  
_The last thing he heard was the gushing of his own blood, and Phil's muffled apologies.

* * *

Wilbur shot up from his sitting position, panting raggedly. Sweat poured down his back, drenching his shirt and seeping through to his trench coat. Wait, trench coat? When was-  
He looked down to his hands, seeing them tremble. They were covered with snug-fitting fingerless gloves.  
  
_Did it work? I'm not- I'm still here, I'm supposed to be dead, its supposed to be Wilbur, why am i-_  
  
"Well, look who finally fuckin showed up." A gruff voice startled him. He looked up, eyes widening. Terror stabbed throughout his chest.  
  
There stood a man, glaring down at him with disintrest. The mans horns seemed to glow as they wrapped around his twitching ears, his suit pristine, a bottle in his hand. He stood up slowly, not trusting his legs to fully bear his weight. The goat hybrid in front of him snorted, smiling greedily.  
"Heya, Wilbur. Hows dying?"  
  
"Wil- I'm not Wilbur, I'm Ghostbur."   
"Don't look like a ghost to me."  
"But- I'm-"  
  
"Mmmhmm." The man sighed, taking a swig from the bottle.  
"You aren't here for long. Follow me."  
"Wh-"  
"Did I fuckin stutter, dipshit?"  
  
He shook his head and followed the man. "By- by the way, what's your name?"  
"You know my name."  
"I don't know you. Maybe Wilbur did! I'm Ghostbur, hello-"  
  
A sigh. "The names Schlatt."  
"Hello, Schlatt! Where-"  
"Shut. We're here."  
  
A woman stood there, her long hair swaying despite there being no wind. His heart ached at seeing her, but he didn't know why.  
She seemed to brighten at the sight of him, rushing forward and pulling him into a hug. Wilbur gasped at the contact.  
  
"Darling! Oh, how I've missed you." She pulled away, smiling. Wilbur could see small scales on her face, almost like freckles. Her skin was slightly pink, ears fanned out. There were slight lines on her neck that fluttered with each breath she took. Truly beautiful.  
  
"Oh- Um, hello! I'm Ghostbur! What's your name?" He asked carefully, flinching at the way her face fell.  
"Wh- Darling, It's me, Sally. Don't you remember?"  
"This isn't Wilbur, lady. He's all sorts of fucked up."  
  
The woman, _Sally, sally her name is sally why didnt i remember-_ sighed. "Of course. I had forgotten."  
"It's nearly time for him to go." Schlatt stretched, his ears flicking.   
"Time- what do you mean?" Wilbur questioned. He wobbled, vision blurring. Nausea hit him like a truck.  
  
Sally smiled solemnly, pain evident in her features. "Time for you to go back, love."  
He froze, eyes wide. _Go back? Go back- I'll be gone, no, I'll be dead, i wont exist anymore, i dont wanna die, wheres friend, i dont- wheres friend, i need blue, blue, please please-  
  
_He began to tremble again, gently bringing his hands up to Sally's face. "I don't- I don't wanna go, what if-"  
"Shhh, darling. It will be alright."  
"Pfft, softies."  
"Oh hush."  
  
He leaned down, focusing on the terrible swirling in his mind. He dully registered Sally pressing a kiss to his forehead.  
  
And then he was gone.

* * *

_It hurts. It hurts, it hurts, make it stop, it shouldn't hurt, please, please, help, wheres friend, where am i, why cant i see, please-_  
  
The first thing he registered was the pain in his chest, the warmth of hands on his shoulders, the dampness of falling onto his cheeks.  
"-bur, Wilbur, can you hear me, are you there, son, can you- wake up, wilbur-"  
  
He groaned, joints aching. His eyes opened to meet the frazzled face of Phil. His father gasped, visibly relaxing. "Oh- Oh thank aether, Eret! Ranboo, Tommy! He's alive! It's really him!"  
Wilbur tried to sit up. His chest flared with such intense pain that he fell back again, gasping. His chest felt terrible. Actually, everything felt terrible. Pain ran through every part of him like a scared animal. Making his joints throb, forcing pained whines from his aching throat, forcing his body to tremble. Something cold pressed on his chapped lips, helping them to part. A cool, foul-tasting liquid sluggishly made its way through his mouth, its touch soothing. The soothing liquid went down his throat slowly as he swallowed, wincing at the pain.   
  
"Good, good. Just like that, son. Keep going." He swallowed again, breathing harshly through his nose. The pain in his body faded, leaving only a phantom ache in his chest. Phil chuckled softly, running a hand through his ratty brown hair. "Hiya, wil. How ya doin?"  
  
He started at the name. Phil had called him that before, but now it felt wrong. _It's not my name, I'm not wil, don't call me that, its not me, its not me, not me not me-  
  
_"I'm not- wilbur..." He croaked, realization settling in. It hadn't worked. He was still Ghostbur. _I Failed them, I'm not wilbur, i'm still me, I failed them, they're going to be so mad, i failed, failed, failure failure failure they dont want a failure they dont want me they dont want me  
  
_"Wh- What? Of course you are, son, look at you, it worked! We brought you back!" Phil's voice was so hopeful, so happy.  
"I'm not- It didn't work, Phil, I'm still me, I'm still Ghostbur, It failed, Phil-" Wilbur's- no, Ghostbur's throat throbbed in pain. Uncharacteristic pain. He didn't feel pain. _Ghosts dont feel pain, unless its water, or snow. So why do I hurt?  
_  
"N-no, that can't be right, You're Wilbur. It worked, son. You're back to normal, Wil-"  
"Stop- Stop calling me that! I'm not Wilbur! I'm not! It failed!" He scrambled back, away from Phil, away from them all, eyes watering. He could fully see now. Eret and Ranboo looked at him with concern. Phil and Tommy were shocked.  
  
"I'm not Wilbur, I'm not, It failed, I let you all down, I failed, I'm sorry, You don't want me, you don't want me-" Ghostbur- _wilbur? Ghostbur? who am I, who am i who who who who-_ buried his head in his hands, sobbing. The tears didn't hurt. _Why? Why don't they hurt?_  
  
"Wil- Ghostbur?" Ranboo's voice sounded like honey to his ears.  
"Ghostbur, calm down. I- I think it did work, In a way." Someone kneeled next to him, rubbing his back gently with a hand, albeit awkwardly. "You- you're you, right? But your body... isn't, you. If that makes sense."  
  
_It doesn't make sense, none of this does, I should be dead, should be dead, dead dead-_  
"Right, right, ok-" He nodded his head along, sniffling. He hated this. Hated the fact that he was still around. He had failed them. None of them liked Ghostbur, they all liked Wilbur, They didn't want him, didn't need him.  
  
"I think I get it now." _Be calm, be composed, maybe if i fake it, if i fake it, they'll want me, they'll like me and keep me around, i'll be wanted, wanted wanted wanted i'll be loved  
  
_Lifting his head from his hands, He could see Phil's weak smile, could see Eret and Tommy whispering to themselves, could see Ranboo beside him, still rubbing his back.  
_I can be Wilbur, I can, I can be him, they'll be happy, they'll want me  
  
_Wilbur shakily stood up, the trench coat swaying with the movement. Ranboo stood with him, ready to steady him, to catch him if he fell.   
  
Phil offered to take him back to Technoblade's cabin. He refused. He refused Eret's invitation to come to their castle, refused Tommy's pleas to stay with him. He left, forcing his back to be straight, to walk stiffly like he remembered Wilbur doing. He walked alone, forcing his thoughts to be uniform.  
  
_I'll be the best Wilbur, and they'll love me, they'll want me, I can do it, no more Ghostbur, no more, nobody likes Ghostbur.  
  
__Afterall, who needs a ghost with an obsession for blue?_

* * *

Tommy groaned in frustration, tossing the apple Wilbur had just given him.  
"For fucks sake, Wilbur, just leave me alone, ok? I don't need you right now! You're being a huge fuckin distraction." The teen turned back to broken Jukebox. Wilbur flinched, feeling panic rise in his chest.  
  
_Not needed, not needed, distraction, burden, unwanted, no, no nonono take me back please please please i don't wanna go-  
_  
He simply nodded and left, forcing the tears to retreat from his eyes.

* * *

Eret sighed, leaning against the wall, crumbling up the paper Wilbur had just given him.  
"Wilbur, I don't need you right now. This is extremely important, and you aren't being useful. Please, leave me alone." The king went back to his letter-cluttered desk. Wilbur trembled, the panic rising to his throat.  
  
_Not useful, not useful, burden, unwanted, no, no nonono take me back please please please i don't wanna go-  
  
_He bowed and left, the tears blurring his vision as they threatened to run down his face.

* * *

Both Ranboo and Phil stayed silent as they stared at the sheep, watching the poor thing's life run out.  
"Wil." Phil started, but he didn't want to hear it. He knew everything he needed to know just looking at his disappointed expression.  
  
_Stupid, stupid stupidstupidstupid shouldn't have done that, useless, a burden, a burden burden burden burden, maybe i should go, i should go, they don't want me  
  
_He sprinted away, sobbing openly as tears ran down his face.

* * *

Wilbur sat at the edge of the cliff, ignoring the urge to scratch the freshly given cuts on his arms.   
  
With trembling hands, he put the letter inside the box, setting it down beside him. _Will they find it? Of course they will, I asked Phil to come here, he should be here soon, he'll come, he will, he will-_   
  
The sunset seemed to give the box an ethereal glow, making this so much harder than it needed to be.  
  
"You're making the right choice." He reassured himself, standing. The rocks jutting out of the sea below taunted him, called to him. "They don't want you. You aren't the person they want, You aren't meant to be here. This was a mistake. You're a mistake. But thats ok, because i'm gonna fix it. I'll fix it, and maybe Phil will be proud of me, maybe- maybe he'll be happy. They all will. This-"   
  
Wilbur put a foot out, the weightlessness filling him with subtle terror.  
"This is the right choice."  
  
He walked off the edge.  
  
_[ ~~Wilbur Soot~~ hit the ground too hard.]_

* * *

_Phil could be found hours later, cradling a piece of paper and sobbing, screaming, cursing at the sky, mourning the loss of his son.  
  
Again.  
_

**Author's Note:**

> Hi! Congratulations for making it through the fic! Here's some water, some snacks, and a tissue! 
> 
> Seriously, if you read this all the way through, I'm very proud of you. I hope you didn't hurt yourself.
> 
> Remember to Drink water, Eat some food, Take your meds, and go outside!  
> Please, please reach out to someone if you are experiencing suicidal thoughts. I'm always open to talk.
> 
> Have a good day!


End file.
